The College Conversations We Can't Afford to Delay
In May, we talked about 529 plans and saving for future education expenses. Those conversations are vital, having said that, college planning involves much more than finances.
Many of us don't begin talking to our kids about college until school and FAFSA applications are due. By then, there's a lot to sort through in a short time: applications, university options, fields of study, what summers will look like, what comes after graduation, etc.
Most of the answers we provide our children during these talks have financial implications. Intentionally or unintentionally, these could impact school affordability, our retirement and their education funding, the family’s cash flow and goals, or even our children’s future financial security. The impact of our answers could have long-term effects for our them beyond college funding. By thoughtfully anticipating and planning, on the other hand, we teach our children to maintain commitments—financial and otherwise.
Preparing for the Conversations
Remember that time our kids asked us a question we weren’t prepared for, yet we answered it anyway only to regret later what we said? Let’s not make answers about college things we regret.
We must be prepared, first, to prepare our future college students. What questions will they ask us? What questions should we ask them? In either case, we need to have decided on very clear answers before the conversations happen.
As our children move into their teenage years, those conversations naturally become more thoughtful and challenging. We taught them the difference between right and wrong, and now they're beginning to ask harder questions and push boundaries as they develop their own perspectives.
What Might They Ask Us?
Our kids might not be comfortable asking big questions, regardless, they’re thinking them. They might not know how to put such big questions into words. We therefore have to learn to hear the questions in the question.
For example: “Will you pay for school?” Might also mean:
- Can we afford for me to go to college? Where/How do I even get started?
- Will you also pay for housing and a meal plan?
- If I go to school out of state, will you pay to fly me home for holidays and summers?
- Will you cover the cost of textbooks?
They might be asking us where they should go to school. Some of us may have an opinion about that, especially if we’re attached to our own alma mater. Yet, our child’s question might be so much bigger than asking for specific school recommendations. The question really might be about where in the country; community, public, or private; faith-based or secular; affinity-based like performance, liberal arts, or engineering, etc. We also have to help them choose the school that is right for them, not just the school their best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend is attending.
When We Haven't Planned
Teenagers have an amazing ability to remember every word we say, especially if it benefits them later. Imagine saying, "We'll pay for an in-state school, but if you earn a scholarship, you can go wherever you want." A few years later, our child proudly announces they've earned that scholarship...to a university in New Zealand.
We assumed college would take four years, without setting any clear boundaries beyond that. Suddenly, there’s a change in major, a dual-major, or we discover that we have an aspiring professional student on our hands. Now those four years turn into five or seven years. What began as a straightforward plan suddenly includes extra classes, new books, another year in the dorms, and the cheerful announcement that graduation will happen "just a little later than expected".
Then there are the holiday flights. We might picture our children coming home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. They have in mind not only those, but also Labor Day, fall break, winter break, spring break, Easter weekend, and every three-day weekend in between.
Alternatively, perhaps they’re attending an in-state or otherwise nearby school. We buy them a car for graduation, only to find out that their university doesn’t allow card during freshman year. Or better yet, we learn over dinner one night that they’ve enlisted for the US Air Force! That graduation present certainly won’t get any use there.
If our kids do surprise us with a question we didn’t expect, it’s okay to tell them that we hadn’t considered it and need time to think about it.
What Should We Ask them?
Some of the questions we ask will position the conversation. We’re not expecting that our kids will necessarily have a good answer to these. We ask them because we want to get a sense of where they are in their thinking and how it developed. What information—or misinformation—have they gleaned from teachers, advisors, friends, AI?
A lot of teen dramas revolve around high school and early college years. Watching those with our children gives us a great opportunity to subtly ask some questions to find out if they think that’s what college is really like. That can open the door to discover more about the kind of information they have about it.
There will be other questions that we ask to truly get an idea of what they’re thinking so we can draw boundaries before having bigger conversations. These are the kinds of questions that are perfectly okay to not answer in the moment and walk away saying: “Interesting, I am still processing this.”
We should prompt our kids to think about the goal of college. Why do they want to go? An investment involving this much time, effort, and money shouldn’t boil down to “Because all my friends are going.” Helping them define the ‘why’ and giving them that foundation will help them stick with school through all the challenges they’ll face.
Their ‘why’ brings us back to this question, but with a twist. Even if we’re able to pay for tuition, are we willing to pay for an education that might not yield financial security for our children?
Other times we’re asking questions as a door to giving them the answers, hoping they’ll ask for our opinions in those moments. Let’s not be eager to give them too many answers though. Particularly during these years when the prefrontal cortex is still developing, our kids should be stretching their brains for answers as much as possible.
We should ask our kids is whether or not they’re prepared to take on student loans and assume paying off that debt. Student loans can play an important part in funding college, when used appropriately. Having said that, without scaring our children about them, we should show them what debt will look like and how long it could take to pay it off. Debt is a nebulous concept for many kids. We shouldn’t let them shoulder that responsibility without first understanding how it will affect them.
First, we should clarify for ourselves which of these purposes our questions address. Then we need to be prepared to answer these and the many other questions that will come up.
Keep the Conversations Going
As our children continue exploring their interests and thinking about the future, we can help them take the next steps by:
- Keeping notes on what we learn. A simple record of our children’s interests can help us revisit earlier discussions as they grow.
- Revisiting expectations as plans develop. As college choices become more specific, we can revisit what we discussed and make sure everyone understands the plan.
- Giving them room to explore. Interests may change, and each experience can help our children better understand the direction they want to pursue.
While a college fund can help open the door to higher education, the conversations we have along the way prepare our children for what comes next. Starting those conversations early gives us the chance to walk alongside them as they discover the path ahead.
That additional time also provides us with more opportunities to connect with our financial advisor and ensure that our financial plans can back our children’s dreams of the future.
This is where we as financial advisors come into the picture. In our June newsletter, we suggested shooting an email to a financial advisor to ask them to take a few burdens off our shoulders. Helping with college planning is exactly one of those things an advisor can do for us, including helping us plan the conversations we have with our children.